swtascandy411 (swtascandy411) wrote,

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ok things are looking better crystel said someday in the far off future she might trust me again. but now im scared this is soo retarded that she should have to go threw this , anyone but her should have to go threw this and its all nathan and kk's fault i really want to kill myself if i wasnt such a sissy and if it didnt hurt so much i would,but im scared i dont know if crystel can or noti know shes at the same point i am but i think she doesnt see herself getting out of this. i couldnt do this or handle anything if she did. i love her soo much and im soo depressed that i of all people brought this upon her. when of all ppl i should know i could trust no one. i feel like such a failure and i care so much for her. idk what i would do if she hurt herself. and its not even copletely my fault the only thing that is my doing is trusting ppl i shouldnt have.well i know now. i just cant believe this is happening, in the past ive gone cray and done stupid things when i felt ppl were trying to control my life and its happening again i just dont know whats next, if i wasnt afraid of blood i would cut myself, and if i wasnt afraid of dying i would take my dad's automatic or my brothers riffle. but lucky for whoever cares i cant do it, and hanging myself would take to long 4 minutes without air. so idk im just tierd of ppl not listening to me and saying they want to help and that i can trust them and then have everyone gang up against me and talk soo much shit and then bold face , bull shit lie to my face. ppl are gay. i just pray that crystel doesnt have th courage to kill herself and i wish i did.~ginny
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